Grackles

Whenever we go through the drive-thru at Rosa's near the MCM Mall I can't help but think that there's got to be a way to get rid of 'em. I guess I've spent a little too much time thinking about it lately because I had a dream in which I discovered a way to get rid of those nasty, noisy, long-tailed vermin.

I first rigged up a series of hoses to each tree around the mall. The hoses ran underground from a nearby building where I had large tanks of carbon dioxide. As the filthy feathered frequent fliers arrived to roost in the evening, I pumped the CO2 into the hoses and the birds just dropped like so many pine needles onto the pavement below.

Well, sure enough, a government man showed up and told me I couldn't do that anymore because the CO2 was contributing to Global Warming. So, I went to work to find a suitable substitute for the unwanted gas.

I tried oxygen but it seemed to have no affect on the little buggers. That is until I added igniters near the hose ends. I figured a quick ignition of the pure oxygen would do the trees no harm because the flames would consume the O2 and then immediately extinguish before the tree leaves/needles had time to ignite. And sure enough, the quick combustion did no harm to the trees - but it did succeed in lighting the feathers of all those grackles. I woke up before I found out what happened when thousands of flaming birds made their way into the neighborhoods.